November 17, 2021

I knew that morning that time was short. Eli had things he hadn’t finished, so I invited our friend Diamond Jim, who worked at This is the Place, to come over so he could get Eli’s leather working projects and finish them. One less task undone–one less thing tying Eli to this realm of existence.

I had ordered invisible ink markers that came that morning at Eli’s request. It gave him and the children something interesting to do. He slept off and on that day, but never for long. That evening, I sat beside him on the sofa watching “Planes” on Disney+ together with my mom, Adam, Peter, Noah, Tabitha, and Lizzy. Andrew was in the other room in a remote missionary training class, while Ella was in her room getting ready for bed. Valerie was on her way home from work, and Joseph was down the street at a friend’s house.

Eli was having a little trouble breathing around the mucus in his throat, so I was texting the hospice nurse to see if they had something that could suction it out or something. He had dozed off, and I was in the middle of a text when Eli’s breathing paused. After a protracted pause, he took another breath. That ended up being his last one.

When a baby is born and as they grow, there are a lot of firsts–first cry, first smile, first laugh, first steps, first words. At death, before the last breath, there are a lot of lasts–last hug, last words, last steps, last words, last cry. Three years ago today was the last of the lasts.

This year held some challenges for me, emotionally.  This year, Tabitha was 10 1/2, the same age Eli was when he was diagnosed with cancer. This year, Noah was 13 1/2, the same age Eli was when he died. We went places and did things that we hadn’t done since Eli was alive. I finished clearing his things out of the bedroom he shared with Noah. This year, another young man died in our neighborhood. These boys were neighbors their whole lives, now they are neighbors in death (see the temporary grave marker at the top left).

It feels like a lot of lasts, but I know this isn’t the end. It’s just the end of the beginning of eternity.