One of the things I worry about is remembering how Eli sounds or looks or all the moments I spent with him throughout his life. In fact, that is one of the reasons I keep this blog.

Holidays can be difficult for various reasons. I wasn’t sure how this one would feel. It’s had its ups and downs, but, like every other time of year, it’s the memories that haunt me, not the holiday. For example, my walking buddy Amy and I decided to walk at the rec center track the other day because of the snow and slush on the sidewalks and trails outside. I hadn’t walked the rec center track for quite some time and all I could think about was the last time I walked that track before Eli was diagnosed with cancer.

So, I spent most of the time telling Amy about that fateful day when I’d been walking the same track with my other walking buddy Wendi on the morning of October 29, 2018, talking to her about Eli’s swollen leg and lymph nodes that were quite concerning. All those memories of diagnosis day and week flooded my mind as Amy and I walked. Amy was kind to listen to me reminisce, just like Wendi had been kind to listen to me express my concerns and worries over four years ago.

Earlier this month, our son Noah turned 12. One of the pictures we have of Eli in our living room is of him on his 12th birthday. One of the bittersweet things I experience is seeing Noah reach milestones that Eli reached during the last year or two of his life.


This Christmas, I’ve been remembering Eli’s last Christmas with us two years ago in 2020. I remember coming back to our home, after the amazing makeover that changed our home, and after the excitement of Christmas had settled down, realizing that would be our last Christmas together with all of our children.

With the help of friends, Eli prepared cards for us, to be given to us on special occasions. Today, we received a Christmas card from him:

“I love you all. Peter is playing Minecraft [right] now. Well I’m [w]riting at [last]. Hop[e] you have a great day. Love, -ELi”

Now, we are making new memories, while remembering Christ’s birth, which led to His death, and looking forward to Easter and all it represents. Because of Christmas, we have Easter. Because of Easter, we’ll have Eli again.

For tonight, I have my memories. Remembering you, Eli, and, yes, I have been having a great day. Love, Mom

One thought on “Remembering

  1. lloyd and Rochelle augustine

    Memories are both good and bad! Good because so many of them were/are good. Bad for the same reasons!

    Hope your holidays have more of the good than the bad!

    Liked by 1 person

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